Raa. It’s Helen again. We’re in Baltimore right now, but we’ve been to Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon, and Washington DC. I can’t really remember loads. This is epilepsy-induced, not drunkenness-induced. What happened in Vegas will quite literally stay in Vegas.
We are on a very, very tight budget, and I’m not quite sure how Ruth has survived this far. I’m wearing these horrible sandals that just seem to rub on/trap dirt. I have constantly mucky feet – thanks Mum… Anyway, normally I would have got these cheap but awesome shoes, but I didn’t. Unfortunate, as they’re really painful and I’ve walked miles and miles now. Very ouchy.
Anyway. Notable things about our trip so far, since I notice different things to Ruth. She notices the beauty and wonder of nature. I notice freaky weird things like wanking tramps.
1. A wanking tramp: we saw a tramp gleefully pleasuring himself whilst standing in San Francisco bus station and yelling, at 6am in the morning.
2. Cockroaches: Washington DC at night = millions and millions of cockroaches, all ready to chase Helens down the street.
3. Giant Vegas cocktails: I wish we’d had one of these. They drink cocktails out of plastic guitars and stuff. Unfortunately our book of Vegas vouchers only let us have medium-sized ones. But I suppose drinking out of guitars is mostly for teenagers and crazy desperate cougar women. Although Ruth is 27 now, which is kind of old I suppose.
4. Chinese girls: every Chinese girl I’ve shared a dorm room with/sat next to on aeroplanes etc has been so, so selfish. Only Chinese girls. It’s super-weird. Making loads of noise at night when everyone’s trying to sleep, putting their bags everywhere, secretly using their phones when cabin crew say to turn them off, getting into my space all the time, generally being bitches. Maybe it’s just been the ones we’ve been hanging out with, but Ruth says it’s a cultural thing.
5. Buses: dear god, Greyhound buses are full of freaks. Seriously. I mean, our ticket was great value, but stinky drunk people, chemical toilets etc etc etc? Character forming, I suppose.
6. American food: our old rule still applies. If you don’t know what something you’re eating is, it’s cheese. If it definitely, definitely isn’t cheese, it’s bread. Everything has bread and cheese in it. I swear I’ve gained SO MUCH WEIGHT.
7. Stripper cards: Vegas is full to bursting with stripper cards. I collected some, but Ruth said it was probably socially unacceptable to stick them into my notebook in the public kitchen of the hostel.
I can’t think of anything else frankly. Ruth will have to fill you in on the rest. She says I shouldn’t write about the thing with the murderer and the coke at the petrol station, because her parents will freak out.
